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Many things happened in the 19th year of my life.

Feel I really matured a lot, be it others can see it or not.
Matters of love, I understood a tiny bit more.
Matters of relationships with people, I know how to handle more.
How to empathise with others, that I know a bit more too,
as I experienced sufferings along with others,
or witness how others suffered unnecessarily at the hands of superiors.
Positive thinking, that I more or less acquired it.
Own sense of identity, having found it, having myself lost in it.

However I am still as short-tempered as ever.
A temper that erupts on fatigue.
A temper that can be easily triggered shortly after waking up.
But also a temper that isnapos;t there in any other occasions.

Confident as I was when younger,
lack of confidence is what they commented as of now.
Easily swayed, unsure of myself,
and thus easily troubled, by unnecessary worries.
But still have to admit,
the stubbornness part of me,
the perseverance in me,
still has a confidence that is to be reckoned with.

Well, many may disagree with what I said above.
True. There are tons of more areas I still need to mature in.
But I guess its some sort enough for a 19 year old kid,
who hasnapos;t even yet really stepped into the next stage of life,
that of a true relationship with a fated person,
whom I am destined to share at least a part of her life together in this lifetime,
whom I have waited for so long for a secured starting point.

As the 20th year approaches,
I must start gearing myself for the next path in life,
that which concludes a phase in my life,
that which begins the next step of my life.
Be it I embrace it with an all-new me,
a greatly improved me,
or just plain old me,
what it matters most,
is that I am still myself...
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I am starting to hate livejournal. Maybe its cause Iapos;m busy and updating seems like a chore.

Iapos;m starting to create a E-blog, I wonapos;t have time to update that either, but itapos;ll be something different.

Iapos;m in one of my moods today, trying to not stupid again. Keep your mouth shut and stop making so many mistakes--thatapos;s all you can do. They just add up.

My room mates are great, just trying to get through this quarter.

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Today was a� more or less unproductive Saturday. I put some more baby stuff away, arranged, shoved, and cleaned the room up a bit. Now, if the� baby was born tomorrow, we would have a place to put her. Lily and I watched "Kiss the Bride" and it was an awful excuse for a film. I think if I�watch another movie tonight (which is likely) Iapos;m going to choose more wisely.

John is in Greenville today for a "How Low Can You Vote Event". He has been gone this seven this morning. He had a long day yesterday. Iapos;m getting sort of lonely- though it is my own fault for not making more of an effort to schedule my time. I think tonight Iapos;m going to go grocery shopping and maybe to the book store. Lily and the cat are starting to drive me nuts and that is a sure sign Iapos;m going stir crazy. Too many conversations with your animals surely canapos;t be a healthy thing.

I miss having the energy to just keep going, my feet not hurting after fifteen minutes, and not feeling so cumbersome. Bending over is even a chore. I feel badly being so uncomfortable, but what it comes down to is that I am. I�canapos;t sleep well, I canapos;t eat well, I canapos;t walk well. I sort of want to lock myself in a closet until this baby is born... Or just lay in bed and let somebody else do the laundry, the dishes, vacuum, cook, finish organizing and get everything ready for the baby and our company.

But alas, life is not that easy.� So most of this post has been pretty negative and me complaining. For that, Iapos;m sorry.

The baby is hiccuping a lot lately. They say that is a good sign, that it is practice breathing. Sometimes they are so intense they wake me up at night. Itapos;s a nice reassurance though- they can be sort of irritating if they go on too long, but mostly they donapos;t bother me. I also love feeling her feet when they poke out of my belly. Things like that make her seem so much more lifelike...

Two weeks to go

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MY LAST DAY OF WORK IS OOOOOOOOVER

Now the next two days will be full of my "going away parties" which are being held Tonight AND Tomorrow night so ALL of my co-workers would be able to attend.
I expect a huge turn-out. Everyone got very whiny and teary when I turned in my keys to the building :P
It still hasnapos;t hit me yet, I havenapos;t cried or even really felt bad. Kinda washing my hands of the whole situation, but I will miss my boss terribly. Heapos;s pretty cool.
Anywho, off to shower then get shitfaced drunk Woo New Years drinkinapos; day came early this year That means Saturday will have to be my St. Patrickapos;s Day drinking day....yeah, I drink twice a year...wanna fight about it? :P

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I donapos;t know if itapos;s fully sunk in yet. My dad died this morning. I canapos;t believe heapos;s really gone. Itapos;s like heapos;s still here. Then I remember how he looked when I saw him in the hospital bed this morning. It was so horrible. Itapos;s hard. Everyoneapos;s still really shocky about it. He just collapsed and lost consciousness. At least he doesnapos;t have to have another open heart surgery. It would have to have been his fourth major procedure. My mom didnapos;t think he would survive it. Then Monday they were informed that a third major heart valve was leaking like his other two had been. Heapos;d decided he wasnapos;t going to get it replaced so his time was limited anyway. At least we know heapos;s in a better place. Even if God doesnapos;t exist like some people believe heapos;s better than he was. Heapos;s not sick anymore. Itapos;s just really hard. We have to clean up his stuff and move some of it. Weapos;re trying to put things together for the memorial and clean up the house at the same time. Itapos;s just so hard to think heapos;s gone.

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Y por lo visto es asi... Cambio de instituto, no me preocupa, ya estoy integrada. �Y que tendra que ver la vuelta al cole? Y yo que se, sera que se fueron de nuevo las vacaciones, los dias de playa, las fiestas pijama, las quedadas, los viajes...
Primero estas con unos, pasa el tiempo y te hartas, piensas que no te comprenden. Surge un nuevo grupo, otros amigos, borron y cuentanueva, todo genial. Pasa el tiempo, los del principio se separan en distancia pero siguen, siempre seguiran. COnoces gente nueva con la que te llevas bien... Y�el 2� grupo, esos que te "salvaron", cada vez son mas inaguantables.
Querer llorar sin razon, tener las lagrimas en los ojos y el nudo en la garganta, pero conseguir tragartelo.

Supongo que soy algo gafe. Por algo naci viernes 13, no?

Porque si todos lo hacen bien y a alguien le sale mal, esa soy yo.
Porque si a alguien hay que gastarle bromas, es a mi.
Porque si hay que reirse de alguien, es de mi.
Porque si alguien es ignorado, siempre sere yo.
Porque si hay alguien que nunca consigue ser el centro de atencion, soy yo.
Porque si unos llaman la atencion con su pesimismo y su mala suerte, yo paso desapercibida tratando de ser optimista.
Porque si a alguien se le quedan mirando como si estuviera loca, soy yo.
Porque todos consiguen dar pena cuando quieren, menos yo.
Porque si hay alguien a quien elogiar, no soy yo.
Porque si salen las cosas mal, la que sale peor parada soy yo...

Sera que tengo una forma personal de ver el mundo. Sera porque trato de ser optimista frente al mundo, y por eso escondo mis desahogos aqui, donde nadie los ve. Sera que mi personalidad no da para llamar la atension ni un pelin. Sera que los relatos de laurita son mejores, y por tiene 4 veces mas comentarios que yo en menos de la mitad de tiempo. O a lo mejor es mas simpatica, o mas guapa, o mas lo que sea.
�De que me sirve estar en lo alto de las estadisticas del foro, ir ganando en el concurso de poesia, haber recibido muchos comentarios en el tuenti, si hoy estoy mas triste que nunca en mucho tiempo?? Anita, la maravillosa, simpatiquisima, que comenta a todos... �a todos? Ja. A mi no, y eso que se supone que somos amigas desde los 3 a�itos. Y leyo el relato, ya lo creo que si, aunque no lo dijo, SIlvia igual. Y laurita... Mucha pereza para leer mis relatos mas largos, pero los de Ana bien que los lees.
Bah, son mas amigas entre ellas, que le vamos a hacer. En realidad yo no soy mas que la pelirroja que intenta ser simpatica y adaptarse. Una especie de Betsabeth. Genial.

Y de todas formas... �Para qu� escribo esto? No m�s que un desahogo. Nor sirve de nada, sino para deprimirme. Si lo pusiera en el blog, quizas alguien me comentaria trtando de animarme, pero no. Una mascara mas, se supone que soy optimista y llevo las cosas bien. Tratando de mostrarme fuerte me vuelvo mas debil, escondo mis temores sin que nadie pueda ayudarme, me duelen mas y acabo peor... �Por qu� no conf�o?
Quiz�s... Porque no tengo en quien confiar. Porque pienso que me tomaran por loca. Y me lo callo...
Tonta.
NI�a tonta m�s que tonta.
Algun d�a aprender�...
O no.
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I have come to the realisation that i still have not felt the extent of change in my life.

i am in a totally foreign environment, with very little similarity to life back in Singapore and it just feels alien.

after i left my job, i was catapulted into the rush of running events for indignation. It was event after event, and add to that, catching up with friends before flying off. I scrapped my car only the day before leaving Singapore. I didnapos;t have much time to let everything sink in before i headed here to Berkeley.

i think the full impact of the changes in my life will only hit me when i am back in Singapore. And i have a weird feeling it will hit me like a truck.

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Truth: Special occasions give children a reason to live happily.
Lies #1: There are special occasions for adults.
Truth: When you are adult, every day is a special occasion.� You get to do what you want to do, just because you want to do it.� Eat out.� Wear fancy things.� Stay up late.� Get a big ice cream all to yourself.� Make long distance phone calls.� You donapos;t have to wait until your birthday, or the day your brother gets back from camp, or Halloweapos;en.
Lies #2: Doing all the those things every day is as much fun as you thought it would be.
Truth: Children want to�believe in Christmas, and defend Santa Claus to the point of tears.
Lies #3: Christmas is happy.

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Hmmm, well it seems like the only slot that I could get for Data Analysis laps over the Japanese class Iapos;d like to take... AND has a crappy teacher. Looks like Iapos;ll be taking Organic Chemistry sooner than Iapos;d like. But, a bunch of my compatriots seem to be taking it too, and Iapos;ll most likely do find in Data Analysis II so long as I get one of the good profs.

Letapos;s hope it goes well...
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