choking under pressure

Sometimes its hard to be happy. It makes me feel like thereapos;s something wrong with me. I canapos;t seem to accept anything. And it just might be the death of me. I donapos;t really know. Why canapos;t i just let myself be happy? the answer seems so simple.. Because every time i let myself feel happy it just gets taken away from me. Have i trained myself into a robot? can i just no longer even get close to the happiness? i miss going out. Getting ready. Always planning. Always having friends. I am happy with him. I just expect too much. I want too much. I want to pass time by quickly. So i can start my real life. It sucks because i should be working on my future right now.. I should be focusing on school and trying as hard as i can.. But i canapos;t seem to get motivated. I always take the easy way out. I feel like a failure. I feel alone, i feel scared, i feel like every thing can and will come crashing down, and it scares me more than anything. But what if he doesnapos;t really feel like putting up with damaged goods? i donapos;t think anyone wants to put the time and effort i require. I try and hope to make it easy. But when it comes down to it, i donapos;t know if anyone can help. And i think if he leaves iapos;ll have to be checked into a mental hospital because he seems to be the only one who cares even a little. Iapos;m lost.
choking under pressure, choking up, choking victem, choking victim.